The attack

Some of you may have heard about the violent events of last thursday night at our base. We have tried to inform friends and family that we are safe and wanted to tell you a little bit about what happened. The attack started long before the thieves came. The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but that includes more than physical/material death. Last week we were very discouraged. The women were all very tired out in Engikaret from their circumcision celebrations and the fellowship felt so dead. The men didn't come for class and we were wondering what we are doing here; what impact are we making. After talking to some friends I realized almost everyone I talked to was going through a slump with the ministries they are involved in. Then Thursday night we got back from Engikaret and that night I had the worst dream I have had in a very long time. It was all about death and I woke up terrified feeling it definitely was an attack of the enemy. I, Heidi, have not been scared to live here in Tanzania since arriving. We have felt so safe in our home at the base and all of a sudden, after the dream, I was terrified to be here. We woke up in the morning and Nick went to help with DTS as usual and I received a text from a friend at another YWAM base asking if we are okay. I had no clue what she was talking about. She said that I may want to go talk to our base leaders. I headed right up there and found out that seven men had broken into our base and after a rally of gunfire, two of the thieves are dead. Four escaped unharmed and 1 was shot but fled. The men were only after the office and its supplies. It was a well thought out plan. They must have been planning it for a while.
My initial reaction was, "thank goodness we are all safe" but then the reality of the situation set in and fear took hold. Nick and I did not hear a thing that whole night. There were at least a dozen gunshots and we didn't hear a thing. The thieves were down by our house and we didn't hear anything. Everyone kept telling me that was God's blessing in our life cause if we would have heard we wouldn't have known what was going on and would have been afraid all night. Instead we had a good nights sleep and didn't have a night of fear. Instead of this comforting me it has brought the fear that has kept me awake the nights following. "How did I not hear something so close to my home? What happens next time when they target my house because I am a white person and we don't wake up? Will they get through our front door without us knowing?" They have picks for the locks that can open our front door without us even knowing. How could I sleep so hard that I couldn't hear that? So, every night since then I have stayed awake, checking on every noise that i hear outside. In Tanzania, that is a lot of noises!!! Chickens, dogs, rain, guards walking by, neighbors' music, etc. Nick has slept peacefully through the night except for the times I am too afraid to check on a noise myself so I wake him up. I continually recite scripture in my bed and pray that the Lord will give me peace. I know that God is in control and that He is with us and no matter what happens He is present but fear continues to grip me. After the attack people have been walking around either very afraid or apparently untouched by what happened. Some people cannot walk outside anymore at night and make sure they are inside by the time it is dark. Others have been checking their homes as soon as they get home and looking in every corner and under every bed to make sure someone is not hiding at all. Others haven't changed their routines at all. We are all taking this differently. Yesterday we had a base meeting to discuss everyones feelings. It was good to know that I wasn't the only one that was fearful about what could happen but it was also good to continue to soak in the knowledge of who God is. I continually ask myself why I am so afraid to die? If I truly believe in my Savior and everything He has promised me why am I so afraid to die and go live with him eternally?? Isn't that everyone's amazing promise who believes in Him? I get to praise my Jesus every minute of the day with no interruptions! If I truly believe then why am I so afraid? If I am in love with Jesus and truly live in a love relationship with Him every day then why wouldn't I welcome heaven? Not that we should want to be done serving him here but that the fear of this life ending is so strong, that the excitement of living with Jesus is overshadowed is confusing to me. Why? This question is drawing me closer and closer to my Savior who wasn't afraid to die for me. Please pray for us. We are safe. We are all okay. The base has instituted extra security measures and the measures they already had we're effective. But the seed of doubt and fear has been planted by the enemy and we ask for your prayers so that the overwhelming presence of God can uproot those seeds before they are able to produce fruit.

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 The Victory 

A year and a half ago a 16 year old young girl named Lightness was convinced that an older man was in love with her and wanted to marry her. She was a Compassion International child one year short of completing secondary school. Both of her parents are dead with her 4 older sisters to help raise her. After getting pregnant with twins the man told her to get an abortion. She stood up to him. She would raise them herself if she had to. He left her, pregnant, with no way of providing for herself. She was dropped from school sponsorship because of being pregnant but she valued the babies inside of her and sacrificed for these two little ones. Miraculously, this little 17 year old gave birth in august to twins on the road en route to the hospital! She was a good mom. She made a way. She figured out how to get by with no support from anyone seventeen and alone. But things didnt stay that way. 3 months ago, the father of the twins came back..........

2 months ago we decided that we needed to look into adoption so we would know what to prepare ourselves for with our family. We always knew we wanted to adopt but we weren't sure what had to happen to adopt in Tanzania. To our surprise they told us we could start the process right away. We were shocked and just started praying. We had just started feeling settled here and I was starting to understand how to be a mom and housewife here. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, water.....everything takes so much longer here and I barely have enough time to do all those in a day let alone take care of a new baby. The more we prayed the more we felt a peace about just taking one step forward and visiting an orphanage to see if any siblings had been brought in that were available for adoption. We called and some twins had just been brought in. Their story was very fishy so they couldn't promise they were adoptable but we could come visit anyway. We prayerfully took the next step and went to visit the orphanage. We met 10 different children available and after leaving we both agreed that our hearts just broke for these twins, Kelly and Dylon, that were only 6 months old. We started trying to find more information about them while visiting them every Sunday before church. We prayed and prayed for them, asking Jesus to give them the best. Every step seemed insane to us and to others that we sought counsel from but we just kept feeling the lord say "I want you to help these orphans...keep going". We called social workers, hospitals, city representatives, and got the story kind of put together. The children were left in a house and the neighbors heard them crying all day and finally went to check on them. The mom had left them. They were brought to the orphanage and we were told we needed to find the parents to have them sign off on the adoption. We kept trying to get more information. We then found out from a social worker that the mom was a prostitute who would be hard to find but the dad was a very nice man working in the mines and couldn't take care of the children. After hearing about her being a prostitute, we decided we should probably get the children tested for HIV.
This past Saturday we dropped our girls off with a friend and picked up the twins and headed to the hospital in Arusha an hour away from the orphanage. The place to test them was closed as well as two subsequent offices but we decided to stay the course and do a quick test. That meant waiting for the doctor. :) We took our spot in line and sat down across from a little girl that was staring at us. This little girl was around 3 and would not stop staring at us. She kept saying to us that these kids were hers. We thought she was having a hard time seeing white people with black babies so we just smiled. Then she said, "Saumu, Saumu". We just smiled, got up and left not sure what she was saying. We went to a small little shop in the hospital to look for a snack and she followed us! She wouldn't stop. We kept telling her to go find her mom but she persisted. Finally her mom came in and said "do you know why she keeps telling you those kids are ours? Because they are! They belong to my sister. The girl's name is Saumu and his is Sayid. Their mother has been looking for them." We proceeded to describe to her what we knew about her sister. She told us that was a lie. The mother is a good mom; she is young but loves her babies. She told us her name...Lightness! The dad came and forcefully took them and told her he didn't want her raising his babies and he would take them to to his mother's home in another distant town. That was two months ago. We told her where the babies were found and who brought them in. She let us know that the dads brother was the "neighbor" and they must have planned that whole story. The mom is not a prostitute she is a student. She has been crying every night for her children. She didn't know where to find them but knew if she went to the grandmother's house she would be beaten and maybe killed. We were amazed. We continued to question her and found that this was truly the aunt and the mom was a good woman. We drove back with the aunt to make sure she knew where the orphanage was. She was shocked to see the orphanage was 10 minutes from the Lightness's house. She called Lightness and we waited to see what would happen. The orphanage was very careful to make sure the Lightness couldn't run off with the twins. We watched as they brought the mom in and showed her the children. They were asleep and she just sat and cried. Kelly/Saumu woke up and we watched as she pushed herself up and looked at her mom. The mama asked if she could please just hold her daughter. With tears in her eyes she picked up Kelly/Saumu, and held her for the first time in two months. She looked over her, felt her skin, brought her to her face and kissed her..... It was like a fairy tale. I stood to the side crying, being so thankful our God would choose us to be able to be his hands and feet to these orphans. Our hearts broke knowing we would be saying goodbye but we couldn't have chosen a better ending than this. God's plan is always the best. We had been praying that He would protect the little ones and that He would make a way when it seems like there is no way. Our girls loved these babies and we were afraid they would have a hard time saying goodbye but when we told hannah we found the mom she said "thank you jesus. That's what we have been praying for mom! Thats just perfect." In the midst of the fear at our base and Satan trying to destroy Gods work going on here in Tanzania we were able to see a miracle happen before our eyes and we couldn't be more grateful for His faithfulness and goodness. The seeds of fear and death that the devil plants in our hearts are always uprooted and replaced by redemption and restoration of broken dreams, relationships, family ties, etc. True religion? God does watch over the orphans and widows. What could possibly be more important than that?

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Running water

We have not had running water for more than a few hours since December and I guess we have just kind of gotten used to it. The whining and complaining has lessening now to where we haven't really even expected it....until this week. We have had fast, clean water inside our house with really good water pressure. It is like a totally different life and it has kind of left me with a funny, uncomfortable feeling. I thought I would have been overjoyed, but I am weary of it. I have been taking some time to reflect on this and I think the reason I am weary is because I am afraid. I know that my own humanity is prone to discontent and complaint. I know that it is a short road back to grumbling and that makes me frustrated. "Lord, why did you bring such good water? Don't you know this is going to ruin us and make us complain again?". Then, I hear the voice of Jesus saying, "really, Nick?".
The book of II Assumptions says, "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". Scholars still disagree as to the authorship, but I think that he might be a close relative of the psalmist as he says,
"Praise the Lord. How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him! ...Sing to the Lord with grateful praise; make music to our God on the harp. He covers the sky with clouds; he supplies the earth with rain and makes grass grow on the hills. He provides food for the cattle and for the young ravens when they call. His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of the warrior; the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love...He grants peace to your borders and satisfies you with the finest of wheat...Praise the Lord."

It makes sense to me, and even noble to not want to be tempted by luxury, but to go around shouting at the top of my lungs, "get behind me Satan, you snake, you fiend, you running water, you evil siren of the lake!" seems unappreciative. What makes a whole lot more sense is to agree with David in praising the Lord because it is pleasing to Him and fitting to praise Him because He gives us the finest grain and causes the rain to cover the earth. We put our hope in Him and not in grain, rain, or running water. It makes sense to praise Him for the blessings rather than loathing the things He blesses us with lest we should miss out on more reasons to be grateful.

We moved

We Moved!

Wednesday night, Heidi got this terrible food poisoning. We learned a new Swahili word, kutapika...to throw up. She was sick until about 4am and them finally got to sleep. Then, Thursday morning, we were made aware that another apartment opened up with more space, but if we wanted it, we would need to move within the next 3 days. So, with Heidi sick and only three days, we moved everything we have here up about 3 doors and now we have 3 bedrooms! So, when any of you are ready to come visit, we have a room for you!
As we went to devotions today, I was thankful for this new bigger apartment, but as we entered the main hall, I was reminded of something about the human heart. We are always asking for more. I remember when I first thought about moving to tanzania, I was so excited just for the opportunity to go and serve. I didn't care if I lived in a mud hut, just to serve my creator was enough f or me. Then, after the first few times visiting, I began to ask God for more. Lord, I'm gonna need a house when I get to Africa. But lord if I could just have four walls and a bed, then, I would be satisfied. I just am grateful to serve you! Then, as we arrived in this great apartment and unloaded all of our things, settled in again I found myself praying to God, "Lord, if I could just have a little more space, just one more bedroom so we could have a little more room, well then that would be enough." I am wondering how long it will be until I ask for more.
I reminded of the places where God welcomes us to ask of Him for our heart's desires. Sometimes He even dares us to watch and see what He will bring by our faith and trust in Him. But in the midst of the asking, I feel challenged and cautioned about the fine line between contention and contentment. Because I have a desire does not mean I have a need. God is faithful to fulfill our desires, but I don't need more space. I don't need a newer, nicer, bigger place to live. I want it. Ask, nick. Ask for what you have in your heart and work for it, but don't mistake the kindness of the Lord for an open-handed Sugar-daddy that requires a command rather than a request.
Today, Lord I am grateful for what I have. I am thankful for what you have given, provided, delivered to me, answered from my prayers. Thank you.

His Voice

Hearing God's voice is not something you can write a how-to book about. Its no more use writing a book about how to understand your wife. There is no way anyone will ever explain the intricacies and complexities of my wife because of the way they understand theirs. Its the same thing with the intricacies and complexities of following the voice of Jesus. He's out Jesus, all of ours, but just as richly and purely, he is my Jesus and His and my relationship is unique. Its funny how often we try to get hints from other people about how they heard God speak. Then we try to apply it to our situation and it never works out very well. "Pray every night before you go to bed! That's the best time." "Pray in the morning. Right when you wake up. Give God the first fruits of your day." "God's voice comes through quiet meditation." "God's voice comes from the voice of other people." These last few weeks, Heidi and I have been seeking the Lord. We have been wanting more and more of His wisdom, wanting His direction, wanting what He wants. But instead of trusting, listening and waiting, it has been so tempting to look at what others are doing, the way other people are serving the Lord and following Him and try to mimic that. Hey, if it worked for them, well then it will work for me. Its even more tempting to trust God's past works instead of His voice when people are so quick to be approving of ways God has worked in the past. New ways are scary for more than just you and me, but they are scary for pastors, neighbors, co-workers, bosses, supporters... But beyond all of that, there is this strange, exciting, comforting and peaceful quality to the voice of God that overcomes every uncertainty. Somehow, someway, when you hear God's voice its crazy, scary, but clear and it just seems right. Sure, you can find support or opposition for almost anything you want in the Bible, but when God speaks His words just seem...right.
God has been leading us all our lives. Sometimes the decisions we make are simple, sometimes hard and scary, but the more often we trust the quiet and clear voice Jesus, the more we see how incredible and beautiful He is and how sweet His plans are.
"the word of the Lord is right and true...the plans of the Lord stand forever" ps 33

I am here

"I am here. I am here." How many times does Jesus remind me and how often do I forget that I am not alone, I do not do the work that I do in vane, I do not walk through my life aimlessly and without purpose? These last few weeks I look around and see all of the needs, the least of which sometimes is monetary. The little tiny sliver of ministry that I awkwardly shuffle through seems like such a small drop in a vast ocean of dry religion, poverty, sickness, abuse, misunderstandings of God's character...
Then God opens my eyes and turns my head, He whispers in my ears, "I am here".

Yesterday a group of 22 maasai women graduated from a sowing and tailoring class. They were proud of themselves! They saw that they were worth the time and energy to be educated. They saw that they were smart. They saw that they were able to make a product, a profit, a difference. That was awesome!
But more awesome still, I saw something I haven't seen before. Some of the womens' husbands came. And for the first time, I saw pride in the eyes of husbands for their wives! I saw men stand up in front of a group of their peers in support of their wives in their accomplishments. I saw men clap their hands for their wives. I saw men stretch out their hands in prayer for women. I'm afraid I feel the need to quote 90's Christian rap music, "you know who's doin' it? God is doin' a new thang".
Isaiah says, "watch, I will do something new; now it will sprouts up, won't you see it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, I will make rivers in the desert."
God opened my eyes yesterday, turned my head to see new things sprouting up, and whispered in my ear, "I am making a way...through you" (and because the English language is limited, I need to note that this "you" is plural, "through y'all")

Learning Maasai

I have been working with several different tutors and it is coming slowly but surely.  It is really fun talking with the men.  They always laugh which is right up my alley because as far as I'm concerned any attention is good attention.  Which is where I found myself today.  The maasai sometimes refer to themselves not as their first name, but as the father of their children.  The word for Father is, "Menye".  So, I was trying to tell a man I had just met, in front of a whole bunch of Maasai young men, "I am Menye Hannah."  Instead, I said, "I am Mwenye Hannah."  You know how sometimes people have a huge gap in between their teeth if their teeth come in funny?  Well, the Maasai have a word for this.  It is ironically close to the word for Father.  So, I told all the maasai men my name is "the gap inbetween your front two teeth - Hannah".